Lane Administrators Hire Bird Trainers to Solve Avian Problems

When birds attack! Wallaby has everything under control when the deadly Cassowary attacks.

When birds attack! Wallaby has everything under control when the deadly Cassowary attacks.

By Matthew Conley

Tragedy struck at Lane Tech last Tuesday as seventh grader Tommy Tomlins was attacked by a large predatory bird. The aspiring athlete was walking through the parking lot to his bus stop when the Hawk swept down from above and picked up Tomlins, carrying him all the way back to It’s nest near the Driver’s Ed building.

Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident, far from it. Lane seems to be epicenter of a wave of bird attacks, from hawk abductions to the theft of food by seagulls, and most frightening of all, organized Geese crime syndicates, there’s no denying Lane has a problem.

Administration has tried to rid the school of these public enemies for months now, but nothing has worked so far. They tried giving Mr. Milsap a broom to swat the birds away, they tried giving Mr. Lopez a squirt gun to shoo away the birds, they even gave Jerry a butterfly net to try to trap the birds, but nothing has worked so far.

That’s why they looked to the professionals.

Lane Tech administration brought on two new members with lot’s of experience training disruptive eagles. Brian Tennison and Dave Bell were hired from Taft, where they had already dealt with many foul fowl, and now they will be bringing that expertise to Lane.

“You guys do know that were not actual bird trainers right? Eagles is just the school mascot!” said Mr. Bell as he and his coworker Mr. Tennison were being sent out to deal with the hawk problem. “Wait a minute are there actually hawks out here?” said Tennison. “You have to let us back in this is just a big-”. Unfortunately, Mr. Tennison was cut off when a Hawk swooped down and stole his brand new toupee.

It was obvious to all spectators that these two were experts, as they knew exactly what to do when being attacked by predatory birds. The pair scared the bird off like it was nothing, waving their hands around and screaming at the top of their lungs to frighten the creature.

“It was really amazing,” said bystander Jacob Williams, Div 666. “I could have never screamed that loud, I guess it’s different when a bird wants to carry you away to it’s nest, but I honestly didn’t think they had it in them.”

It’s doubtful that will be the last we see of these birds, but now we have two valiant heroes to save us from avian anarchy. As of right now, Mr. Bell and Mr. Tennison have been taking some much deserved break time, most of it spent in the counseling department.