Real relationships need Facebook certification

By David Pohlad

Teenage love is the most primitive form. It is when teens finally get to experience the company of a significant other. Teenagers often think that the intensity of the relationship is based on communication, compatibility, and physical attraction. These immature couples don’t yet know that their relationship is absolutely nothing unless it is Facebook-certified.

To obtain a Facebook certification, a Facebooker must make sure they follow an important list of rules and guidelines. The guidelines may seem excessive, but the key to any healthy relationship starts with internet access.

1. It is not a true relationship unless you are “In a Relationship” on Facebook. The status lets other Facebookers know that you are bound to another individual via inter-web. As the relationship intensifies, the obvious decision is to change your relationship status to “Engaged” and then eventually “Married” when you finally decide to tie the virtual knot. With that said, married people shouldn’t have Facebooks. It makes things confusing.

2. Unless you hate your significant other, you’d better let them know your affection by “liking” every possible thing on their wall. Even if their status is something that requires no opinion – like “The weather is nice today” – you absolutely have to “like” it. You wouldn’t want your partner thinking you don’t like nice weather would you? “Liking” this status reminds your partner that you too like nice weather, reinforcing the thought that the two of you have oh so much in common.

3. The key to any healthy relationship is communication. Through communication you can learn about each other’s lives and pasts. Thanks to Facebook, you can Facebook chat the night away, eliminating the petty need for couples to actually talk in person. Who would ever want to talk to somebody face to face when you can just as easily use smiley faces and winky faces ;)?

4. As you progress into the relationship, things may start to slow down and the relationship may get dull. The last thing anyone wants is for their Facebook relationship to end, so spice things up by “poking” your partner. This “poke” can be considered playful, emotional, or even sexual. This evocative gesture will leave your partner dying to be back in your arms, but instead they’ll flip through your pictures, which is good, too. Granted, “poking” others on Facebook can be really creepy, so poke with caution.

5. The last rule is a given. After you’ve been in your Facebook relationship for about two or three weeks, you know it is true love. You have poked each other many times, and you even have lots of mutual friends. Now is the time to start leaving the wall comments exclaiming your undying, deep love and affection for one another. You could keep the love notes private and send them through messages, but you are so love-struck that you don’t care what people think. You just want them to know that your Facebook, (and real life…technically) partner is perfect for you. The couples who have been dating for what seems like ages (usually four to five weeks) may even write in their statuses how passionate their love for their partner is.

Following these five golden rules is absolutely necessary if a couple wants a Facebook relationship that lasts. A healthy social life starts with late nights on Facebook.