Bernie Sanders ranks up to Level 7 Socialist Wizard


As the race heats up, Sanders has been found by The Warrior's Magick Analyser to be gaining XP at surprising speed.

By Matt Conley, Satirist

By Matt Conley

After winning a decisive victory in the New Hampshire primary, Bernie Sanders has finally gained enough campaign experience points (XP) to level up.
“I’d like to thank all my supporters for helping me on this journey, but it’s not over yet. I will still need to rank up much more to beat Mr. Trump,” Senator Sanders said at a rally last Tuesday.
Several sources have reported that after Trump’s victory in the Republican primary he ranked up to a Level 11 Racism Ranger.
“Honestly it’s anybody’s race at this point,” a Hillary Clinton volunteer said as she stirred a bubbling cauldron surrounded by cackling witches. “Whoever perfects their game and gets the last bit of XP can win it.”
However it’s not just Democrats getting their game on this weekend — a Ted Cruz volunteer said that Mr. Cruz would “eat up the competition like he eats up boogers.”
A Donald Trump supporter could not be reached for comment.
The Warrior’s resident political Magick Analyser said that to beat Trump’s enchanted mega-wall, Bernie should level up his legalization spells, and work on his Bolshevik subclass to increase explosive weapon proficiency.
“See, the mistake Hillary Clinton made was wasting her upgrade points in the Benghazi subclass, and not using a protection spell on her personal emails,” said a Sanders Army Corporal as he sharpened Mr. Sanders’ sword and handed out copies of the Communist Manifesto. “Bernie won’t make those mistakes. In fact he’s out searching for low-level enemies right now.”
Sanders then gathered a hunting party and ventured off into the town to find an opponent to duel in pokemon.