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Delusional teacher and track coach claims he is 26

The+youngest+teacher+at+Lane+is+both+a+history+teacher+and+track+coach+to+many+of+his+peers.+Professionals+think+his+delusions+began+with+the+construction+fumes.
The youngest teacher at Lane is both a history teacher and track coach to many of his peers. Professionals think his delusions began with the construction fumes.

The youngest teacher at Lane is both a history teacher and track coach to many of his peers. Professionals think his delusions began with the construction fumes.

The youngest teacher at Lane is both a history teacher and track coach to many of his peers. Professionals think his delusions began with the construction fumes.

By Logan Williams, Satirist

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Last Wednesday, one of Lane’s history teachers, Mr. Gerardo Gonzalez, celebrated his 17th birthday — a birthday many relish, as one is allowed to see R-rated movies and stay out past curfew. Gonzalez, however, had no such excitement.

As members of the history department marched into his classroom with a birthday cake donned with 17 candles, he stood up in disgust. He proceeded to make ludicrous remarks about his age, saying that he’d been away to college and could legally consume alcohol.

In an attempt to end the tragic scene that had unfolded, a mentally unstable Gonzalez was carried out of his room by security, all while viciously flailing and screaming, “I’m 26! I swear! Why doesn’t anyone believe me?!”

“We had to put an end to it,” the head of security said. “He gave us no other option but to sedate him.”

Onlookers could only stand by and watch as security dragged the petite, youthful, limp body of Gonzalez out of the school and into an ambulance. Many of his close friends and even some students are worried about his condition.

“I really don’t know what to do,” a member of the history department said. “He’s done this a couple of times in the past, but not like this. Usually he’ll just pout for a bit and he’s over it, but this time it was like nothing we’d ever seen before.”

One of his fourth period students was in the room during the incident. The student said, “His eyes got all beety and he started foaming at the mouth. At one point I swear his eyes were bleeding.”

Gonzalez remains in the hospital as he is getting a complete psychological evaluation. Mrs. Anderson has been looking into institutions that will best fit his needs; somewhere nice, calm, and with lots of coloring books.

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Delusional teacher and track coach claims he is 26